Posts Tagged ‘Parenting’

The Fifth Path (30/30)

November 30, 2016

The First Draft of the Autobiography of Uras Hailt, Soon to be Father

Running Title: Many Paths: Choices make Fate

Composed Nisanu 4th In the 3rd Year of First President Anatu

Chapter 87: Reflections

As I reached a turning point in my life, the upcoming birth of my first child, it just so happened that an important date came by just then. The fifth anniversary of the day I left my homeland and went out on a journey of Awakening. Every time I think about my quest, what it started out as, and what it ended up becoming, I cannot help but chuckle. Truly it was a journey of Awakening, both of myself, and in the more literal sense of the god Anshur. But neither I, nor those who had helped make the decision that put me on that journey had understood even faintly, what the implications would have been. Looking back, it seems clear to me that my journey was something of a political move by my father. The danger of having twins, especially in a royal family, is that it is not clear who has seniority. And so by sending me out on a dangerous but potentially glory filled quest, he was going to create the hierarchy. Either I would fail, or not return, in which case my brother would be the more important and senior of the two of us, or I would return in glory and claim my spot as a soon to be king, and thus take my seniority. It helped of course that my studies seemed to align me the greatest with the skills of languages and negotiations, the two most important skills for walking the fifth path. I do still wonder who it was that had the idea initially. There was a certain amount of creativity to the decision that I have come to respect in time, even admire. The bite of being used has faded over time, leaving only the reflection of why I was used, and how that affected the final outcome.

I think that the trip was sufficiently powerful that, even if the final island had not changed everything, I still would have come back different, and may very well have moved the homeland in the direction it now moves, though obviously not nearly as quickly or as decisively as Anatu has been able to. Still, the thought that I might have been able to make something of a difference as a result of having the experiences I had is one that makes me feel warm. My effect on the world has always been something that has driven me, both when I thought I had a destiny, that I was a chosen leader of men, and afterwords, when I was simply a person with unusual and valuable experiences. In the last five years since that day, my fear that my life shall not truly make a difference has faded, the joys of living a life with a loving wife being part of it, but having been a part of, in at least some small part, the revolution that brought down the corrupt god Bel and transformed my homeland into a modern democracy, certainly helped as well. As I consider the future and the child I will soon be raising, my effect on the world becomes again something of a focus. What shall I have done that that child will be able to point to and be proud of? Those are the thoughts that troubled my mind on that day of reflection.

As such thoughts often do, these worries faded, replaced by other, more pressing concerns, but over the day, they returned again and again. It seemed madness of course that I would feel like I had not made a difference after all the changes my choices had wrought upon the world, but I am not entirely unhappy with the continued uncertainty. What can one accomplish if one keeps believing they need to make a difference, that the one they have made is not enough? Well, hopefully you’ll get a chance to see gentle reader, hopefully you’ll get a chance to see.